Brolitico

Here for a good time.

I Went to The Nutcracker So You Didn’t Have To

So last weekend I took the wife to see the Nutcracker in an attempt to lean into the holiday season. I’ve never been nor was I there to learn. Shit, I didn’t know it was a ballet; I thought it was a musical. Nope! Not a word was spoken. 

What I did do was make a quick draft sheet of the Nutcracker main characters to be used later when I acquire my first NFL team. Without further adieu…my Draft Day Big Board.

Official Nutcracker Review:

Beautiful, ethereal, magnificent! A true spectacle for the eyes. The costumes, pageantry, and musical ensembles were breathtaking. Could I follow the plot? Nope. Was there a plot? Not sure. No words spoken. Doesn’t matter. Still incredible. Like watching the Navy offense. No forward passes; still marvelous. 

Casting the Nutcracker characters for my (future) NFL franchise:

  • First and foremost we gotta build from inside-out. The obvious decision are the big uglies down in the Pit. Hardworking, relentless, unsung-heroes of the show. These guys are slaving away down below so the Sugar Plum Fairy, Dewdrop, and other ferries can keep their jerseys clean. First overall draft pick – The Boys in the Pit. Special shoutout to the tuba player; homie was feeling himself all night long. 
  • Gotta have a quarterback and gotta have someone to GET the quarterback. Obvious choice here – with the second overall pick, Defensive End- OLB hybrid – The Mouse King. This motherfucker. Love the tenacity. Everybody’s dancing merrily in the snow and this guy doesn’t give a fuck. Grinding in the film room, weight room and on the practice field. A true gym rat. And he’s got 7 heads. You think he’s gonna have a hard time keeping his head on a swivel? Fuck no he won’t. Boom. Got your edge rusher.
  • OK, gotta get a QB now. Nathaniel/The Prince is your QB for the next decade+. Ya ya he’s kind of an entitled shit but this guy has got all the tangibles and moxy. You need that in a franchise guy. Footwork, arm strength, leadership in the room. This guy has it and now he’s ours. Nathaniel/The Prince – QB1.
  • Now we need an athlete – moving up to get him we’re going after Drosselmeyer’s Nephew aka the guy who dances with the Sugar Plum Fairy. Holy fuck the fans are gonna love this guy. This fuck is what Percy Harvin could have been had Lady Gaga given him some of that Nurtec for his migraines. You want a kick returner? He’s your guy. Flashy wide receiver? Yep. Specialized defensive packages? I don’t see why not. This guys will score in all three phases of the game and have your front porch painted before you get home from the stadium. Fantasy football owners wet dream. 
  • Defensive back/Nickel DB – Fritz Stahlbaum. This little shit is going to generate all the turnovers. Constantly sabotaging his sister/the offense. I haven’t seen a prospect like this little fuck since Tyrann Mathieu came out of the Bayou. Pesky, indefatigable, ball-hawking. The Honey Badger doesn’t give a fuck and neither does Fritzy. Dan Quinn’s gonna have sugar plums dancing in his head when we get this guy.
  • Middle Linebacker – Ditka, Lewis, Singletary – we got our guy – the Nutcracker. The quarterback of the defense. The lynchpin of our organization. This guys sets the tone for the team. Offseason, pregame, in-game. He’ll light your ass up if you’re not pulling your weight. He’ll also go to war for you. Broken finger? Fuck you. Cut it off, im going back in to the game, Doc. Gonna be awesome to watch him and the Mouse King battle it out in practice every day. No love-lost between these two warriors.

Coaches

  • Head coach – Drosselmeyer (Claras Godfather) – this wizard fuck comes from a great coaching tree. Pure breed coaching genetics. The different packages he brings to the table coupled with his ability to adapt on the fly is nothing to scoff at. Kind of creepy but he’s our creepy. 
  • Defensive coordinator – Mother Ginger – this big fuck will keep the offense guessing all night long. Reminds me of Rex Ryan in Baltimore or Wink Martindale in the Meadowlands. The quarterback thinks he’s getting pressure from the field and then BOOOM, corner blitz from the boundary puts you on your ass. Eight guys standing around the line of scrimmage; nobody knows who’s coming. NASCAR package is going to frustrate new and experienced offenses alike., Mother Ginger is in-line to be a head coach sooner rather than later so let’s make sure we win NOW.
  • Mr and Mrs Stahlbaum – if you have two offensive coordinators you have no offensive coordinators. Except for in this rare example. These two can co-coordinate with the best of ‘em. Managing big egos, big raucousness, all while maintaining a level-head. Ability to grow young-talent is where they truly make their living as well. That opening scene was as chaotic as you’ll see in the ballet game and these two maintained ice in their veins. Love these two.
  • BONUS – Director of Player Morale – the Sugar Plum Fairy. Oh man, where do I start. Ok I’ll admit. I’m smitten. Maybe a biased pick like Jerry Jones drafting literally any Razorback, but nonetheless one that has to be made. I’ve never seen someone move like this before. The style, the grace; simply perfect. We need the Sugar Plum Fairy in the building. Win, lose, or draw, The Sugar Plum Fairy is a motivator; no doubt about it.

There it is, my suggestions for building our franchise with the characters from the Nutcracker. Leave your comments, concerns, questions in the chat below. 

 

PS – I asked one of the ushers on the way out what I had to do to get a game-worn leotard from the Sugar Plum Fairy. I received a disgusted look and no answer. Seemed like a reasonable request but not everybody recognizes greatness like me.